You've noticed something. He's quieter than he used to be, or angrier, or he's stopped showing up. You don't know if it's your business, and you don't want to make it worse. Here's how to do it.
What to notice.
The Veterans Crisis Line lists these as warning signs: more drinking or drug use, losing interest in work, hobbies, or school, letting his appearance and basic care slide, pulling away from family and friends, and violent behavior like punching a wall or getting into fights. Any of these can mean a lot of things. You're not diagnosing him. You're noticing.
Pick the moment.
Private. Not in front of the kids, and not in the middle of an argument. A lot of guys find it easier side by side, in the truck, on a walk, working on something, than across a table. Say what you've seen, not what you think he is: "You've been quiet since summer, and you quit going to the range. I'm not going anywhere. What's going on?"
If you're worried about suicide, ask the question plainly.
"Are you thinking about killing yourself?" Not "you're not going to do anything stupid, are you?" That second version pushes him toward saying no. The fear is that asking puts the idea in his head. A 2018 meta-analysis in Clinical Psychology Review found that asking about suicide does not increase risk, and suicide prevention experts say asking directly opens the door to help.
Then listen.
Don't rush to fix it. Don't argue him out of how he feels. Don't push him for war stories. Let him talk, and keep your voice level.
If he says yes.
Stay with him and connect him to the Veterans Crisis Line: dial 988, then press 1, text 838255, or chat at VeteransCrisisLine.net/Chat. You can call with him. The line is also for family and friends who are worried about a veteran. If he is in immediate physical danger, with a weapon, a plan, or a timeline, call 911.
If he says no or brushes you off.
You still did something. He knows someone noticed. Keep the door open and check in again.
Take care of yourself too.
The VA Caregiver Support Line, 1-855-260-3274, takes calls from caregivers, family members, and friends of veterans. Vet Centers offer confidential counseling and are open to families too: 877-927-8387, 24/7.
Where Coach Jeff fits.
Some veterans who won't talk to you yet will talk to a voice at 2 a.m. Coach Jeff is that voice. He's an AI built on a real veteran's life, and he's not a replacement for the people in a veteran's life or for professional care. He points toward both. An early version of Coach Jeff is in the App Store now. The full app launches November 11 at 11:11 a.m. Eastern. Details at coachjeff.ai.